Tuesday, November 26, 2013

So Much To Be Thankful for:)

NatalieDear Heavenly Father,
I have so much to be thankful for.  

Ashleigh getting to come home early for the Holiday.
A husband, Bryan, to watch holiday movies with.
Sawyer and I both get off early from work tomorrow.
Family coming for Thanksgiving Dinner.
I am feeling good enough to cook our Thanksgiving Meal!

Most of all Father God, I am thankful that you gave your only son for us, so that one day, if we accept you as our Savior, we will one day spend eternity with you:)

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

NataliePraise God,  Father God, I thank you for this PTSD that I have.  I hate it, but I know you are with me thru this each and everyday.  I haven't been able to say that until just recently, or even thank God for my diagnosis.  Father, I beg of your forgiveness, I was too proud to admit that I couldn't whelp my self, that I might need you Lord when the panic attacks happen.  But Father, oh I need you, I need you everyday!  

Thank you for showing me God that you are in control even when I am not.  Thank you for bringing me closer to you.  For giving me a hunger for more of  you as I face this with you Lord.  Thank you for letting me "feel" what some of my students feel when they have their panic and anxiety attacks.  Now I get it God.

Where did this come from?

On Oct. 2, 2004, our lives were changed forever.  Our middle child, Malorie was with some friends coming home from a Volleyball Tourn.  The car ran off the road, overcorrected and rolled several times.  Malorie was laughing one moment, and sitting a the right hand of Jesus praising him the next.  She will be forever 13 to us.  As a mom, I blocked out my grief, I think I just kept going because I had to take care of our two other kids and didn't want to give Bryan something else to worry about.  I looked like I was healing on the outside, but on the inside I was crying over how much I missed Mal and over the tragic journey our family was now on every single day.

One year later, in Oct., a student of my, Eddie Meeks was killed instantly in a hit and run by a drunk driver.  I can still hear myself telling our students in the school gym what had happened to Eddie.  At the same time, I remember thinking, oh my gosh, this is how Malorie's Friends found out about the accident she was in.  Again, I went into the "mom mode" and took care of our students and teachers.  Not once taking care of myself.  For days, I would cry all the way home, wipe the tears and "pretend" I was fine.

The following Aug. after just the 3rd day into school, one of our 7th graders committed suicide.  I did not know him but felt such a loss over this.  I did know his family from an older sibling I had had.  This really took a toll on me.  At the funeral home, I could even go up to the casket, I pretended to but didn't look.  I had trouble sleeping, I grieved over Gunner, and still was grieving over our Mal.

The following year, in the Spring, a student of mine, Dylan, an 8th grader committed suicide.  I got the call at 5:30 in the morning.  Oh God, Jesus Jesus Jesus, I remember praying, that was all I could get out as I got ready to meet with our teachers before school that day.

I'll talk more tomorrow about the other events that led up to my diagnosis.

God is Good….Everyday

NatalieDear Heavenly Father,
You are good, today and everyday!  Father God, I ask that you would take these feeling of panic and anxiety out of my mind.  Father, I ask for peace, your peace that surpasses all understanding.  God, I know you are in control and you have a reason for this PTSD that I have.  God, I hate this feeling I have.  I  the jitteriness and feeling shaky, the weird feeling in my head and the tiredness.  Father, I ask that you would heal me of these feelings, that I would no longer need medicine for the attacks.

Help me to give you the glory Lord, no matter what happens, I trust you Father.  

II Chronicles 20:17, Lord, I do not need to fight this battle. I want to position myself and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with me.  Do not fear or be dismayed: tomorrow, go out against them for the Lord is with me.

In your name Jesus,

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Not Me God, I'm a School Counselor!

NatalieIt's been a very long time since I have visited this place and a lot has taken place.  In early June, I was at a ballgame and all of a sudden I started to feel very shaky, got a horrible headache, and I could feel my heart racing.  I ended up in an ambulance headed to the e.r.  That was the first of many visits over the summer.  

After tons of tests and blood work, I was sent to Mayo to get some answers.  My husband and I spent a week there with more tests and blood work.  "I think you have PTSD", stated the Dr.  Thinking to myself, I can't have that, no way, I am a counselor, and I know how to take care of myself.  I went thru many emotions, angry, sad, confused, and asked all of the questions, why me????

After much prayer, I am ok with myself and the PTSD.  I was very proud, and I have asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me for being proud.  I have been seeing a therapist and taking medication.  Things are much better, I still have a panic attack but they are few and not as bad as before.  I am learning everyday how much I need God to be in control, that he is much better at it than I am or ever will be.

I am learning to take care of myself, eat healthy, get enough rest, drink lots of water, and to share my thoughts with someone else and not keep it all inside thinking I have to fix "it" by my self.
I'll chat more tomorrow about what led up to the PTSD.

God Bless,

Happy Birthday Malorie:)

Dear Heavenly Father, 

Thank you for the 13, almost 14 years  that you let us have Malorie.  What an awesome time we had with her, although it wasn't nearly long enough God.  What a blessing she was to us, and still today, continues to be a blessing everyday.  Mal was a gift, I know she wasn't ours to keep God.  If anyone knew our Mal, you would know what a gift she was.  I am so thankful for all of the lessons she has and continues to teach us.  She taught me how to forgive, she could forgive at the drop of a hat, she taught us what is truly important in life, not to always worry about the small stuff, how to put others first, how important family is, and how to laugh like there is no tomorrow!  

Today Malorie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART, HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY, I love you to the moon and back, no FOREVER sweetheart and Father in Heaven, thank you for using our Malorie to show us what truly is important in this world, YOU, FATHER GOD.

In your name I pray Jesus,