My Prayer, Dear Father:

January 1, 2014  It's been a year for sure.  I am thankful for much; bryan, my husband who took such great care of me while I was sick for several months this past year.  For my kids, Ashleigh and Sawyer. For my mom and dad, who also helped take care of me. For great friends who cleaned house for me while I was sick.  My job, which I love and the great people I work with!

My prayer for this year:  

Dear Heavenly Father, 
Today help me to move in your strength, not mine.  May I do what is right, love mercy, and walk humbly with you.  Father, I ask that you would give me a hunger for your word, the wisdom to learn and live the word,  to follow the Holy Spirit, and father, help me to see the way you see, feel the way you feel, and hear the way you hear.  

In Jesus Name,
amen

I still do not feel great, still having some episodes but Father God, I am giving this too you, I trust you Father and know you are with me thru each episode.  Thank you Father for showing me how much I need you and for being with me.  I know I can not get thru anything without you on my side.  I love you Father God.  

So Much To Be Thankful for:)

Dear Heavenly Father,
I have so much to be thankful for.  

Ashleigh getting to come home early for the Holiday.
A husband, Bryan, to watch holiday movies with.
Sawyer and I both get off early from work tomorrow.
Family coming for Thanksgiving Dinner.
I am feeling good enough to cook our Thanksgiving Meal!

Most of all Father God, I am thankful that you gave your only son for us, so that one day, if we accept you as our Savior, we will one day spend eternity with you:)

In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Praise God,  Father God, I thank you for this PTSD that I have.  I hate it, but I know you are with me thru this each and everyday.  I haven't been able to say that until just recently, or even thank God for my diagnosis.  Father, I beg of your forgiveness, I was too proud to admit that I couldn't whelp my self, that I might need you Lord when the panic attacks happen.  But Father, oh I need you, I need you everyday!  

Thank you for showing me God that you are in control even when I am not.  Thank you for bringing me closer to you.  For giving me a hunger for more of  you as I face this with you Lord.  Thank you for letting me "feel" what some of my students feel when they have their panic and anxiety attacks.  Now I get it God.

Where did this come from?

On Oct. 2, 2004, our lives were changed forever.  Our middle child, Malorie was with some friends coming home from a Volleyball Tourn.  The car ran off the road, overcorrected and rolled several times.  Malorie was laughing one moment, and sitting a the right hand of Jesus praising him the next.  She will be forever 13 to us.  As a mom, I blocked out my grief, I think I just kept going because I had to take care of our two other kids and didn't want to give Bryan something else to worry about.  I looked like I was healing on the outside, but on the inside I was crying over how much I missed Mal and over the tragic journey our family was now on every single day.

One year later, in Oct., a student of my, Eddie Meeks was killed instantly in a hit and run by a drunk driver.  I can still hear myself telling our students in the school gym what had happened to Eddie.  At the same time, I remember thinking, oh my gosh, this is how Malorie's Friends found out about the accident she was in.  Again, I went into the "mom mode" and took care of our students and teachers.  Not once taking care of myself.  For days, I would cry all the way home, wipe the tears and "pretend" I was fine.

The following Aug. after just the 3rd day into school, one of our 7th graders committed suicide.  I did not know him but felt such a loss over this.  I did know his family from an older sibling I had had.  This really took a toll on me.  At the funeral home, I could even go up to the casket, I pretended to but didn't look.  I had trouble sleeping, I grieved over Gunner, and still was grieving over our Mal.

The following year, in the Spring, a student of mine, Dylan, an 8th grader committed suicide.  I got the call at 5:30 in the morning.  Oh God, Jesus Jesus Jesus, I remember praying, that was all I could get out as I got ready to meet with our teachers before school that day.

I'll talk more tomorrow about the other events that led up to my diagnosis.

God is Good….Everyday

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are good, today and everyday!  Father God, I ask that you would take these feeling of panic and anxiety out of my mind.  Father, I ask for peace, your peace that surpasses all understanding.  God, I know you are in control and you have a reason for this PTSD that I have.  God, I hate this feeling I have.  I  the jitteriness and feeling shaky, the weird feeling in my head and the tiredness.  Father, I ask that you would heal me of these feelings, that I would no longer need medicine for the attacks.

Help me to give you the glory Lord, no matter what happens, I trust you Father.  

II Chronicles 20:17, Lord, I do not need to fight this battle. I want to position myself and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with me.  Do not fear or be dismayed: tomorrow, go out against them for the Lord is with me.

In your name Jesus,
amen

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for being my hope for the future.  Thank you for sending your son to die for us even thought we did not deserve your mercy Lord.  Thank you for Malorie being in our future.  Thank you for a patient, loving, fun, and Christian husband, thank you for Ashleigh and Sawyer.

Father God, I know there is a reason for the way I have been feeling yesterday and today.  I give this to you Father, I know you are in control and you will get me thru this Lord.  Help me to go to you in those times when I do not feel good God.  I trust you Father, you are good, ALL THE TIME.

In your sweet name I pray Jesus,
AMEN

Not Me God, I'm a School Counselor!

It's been a very long time since I have visited this place and a lot has taken place.  In early June, I was at a ballgame and all of a sudden I started to feel very shaky, got a horrible headache, and I could feel my heart racing.  I ended up in an ambulance headed to the e.r.  That was the first of many visits over the summer.  

After tons of tests and blood work, I was sent to Mayo to get some answers.  My husband and I spent a week there with more tests and blood work.  "I think you have PTSD", stated the Dr.  Thinking to myself, I can't have that, no way, I am a counselor, and I know how to take care of myself.  I went thru many emotions, angry, sad, confused, and asked all of the questions, why me????

After much prayer, I am ok with myself and the PTSD.  I was very proud, and I have asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me for being proud.  I have been seeing a therapist and taking medication.  Things are much better, I still have a panic attack but they are few and not as bad as before.  I am learning everyday how much I need God to be in control, that he is much better at it than I am or ever will be.

I am learning to take care of myself, eat healthy, get enough rest, drink lots of water, and to share my thoughts with someone else and not keep it all inside thinking I have to fix "it" by my self.
I'll chat more tomorrow about what led up to the PTSD.

God Bless,

Happy Birthday Malorie:)

Dear Heavenly Father, 

Thank you for the 13, almost 14 years  that you let us have Malorie.  What an awesome time we had with her, although it wasn't nearly long enough God.  What a blessing she was to us, and still today, continues to be a blessing everyday.  Mal was a gift, I know she wasn't ours to keep God.  If anyone knew our Mal, you would know what a gift she was.  I am so thankful for all of the lessons she has and continues to teach us.  She taught me how to forgive, she could forgive at the drop of a hat, she taught us what is truly important in life, not to always worry about the small stuff, how to put others first, how important family is, and how to laugh like there is no tomorrow!  

Today Malorie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART, HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY, I love you to the moon and back, no FOREVER sweetheart and Father in Heaven, thank you for using our Malorie to show us what truly is important in this world, YOU, FATHER GOD.

In your name I pray Jesus,

Amen

Its been a very long time since I have posted here.  Lots has happened since my last post. In June of this past summer, I became very ill.  After many tests and lots of blood work I was sent to Mayo in Minn.  My husband and I spent a week there with more test and bloodwork.  

Thank You Jesus!

I have been reading Ann Voscamps book titled 1000 gifts. She keeps a running list of things she is thankful for.

Today, Thank you Jesus for the Praise Music my 17 year old son, Sawyer is listening to!

MY NEW YEAR'S PRAYER:

I used to always set New Year's Resolutions for myself. I have to be honest, those would maybe last a few weeks and fall to the wayside.

So....this year, I am writing a New Year's Prayer.

Dear Heavenly Father, I praise you for you. Thank you for giving us hope. Thank you for your promise to us. Thank you for sending your son to die for me so that I can have salvation thru you. Father God, I love you and I want you to be 1st in my life this year.

Father, I pray that I will obey you this year in a way that I never have before. I want to say yes to whatever you ask, and not always wonder about the consequences. I know God that you will take care of that part too. Show me how I can see more like you, hear more like you do, and be more Holy as you are Father.

Joshua 23:14, "Not one word of all the good words which the Lord your God spoke concerning you has failed; all have been fulfilled foryou, not one of them has failed."

Father God, help me to be a good mom and wife this new year. Keep us safe and bless us Heavenly Father.

I love you.

Even though much is missing, I HAVE MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!

Today, even though the pain of Malorie not being here with us on Thanksgiving is there, I am choosing to be thankful for the "MUCH" the my Heavenly Father has blessed me with.

I am thankful that Sawyer, my 17 year old will still talk to me about his girlfriend and what's going on in his life. Ashleigh is back home for 5 days from college! I am married to my best friend, Bryan! I am thankful for the memories I have of the great times we had with Malorie and that I can smile when I think of her!

I am thankful for my Bible which I have really been getting into these past few months and am finally learning how to "be still and listen for his voice!"

I'm thankful for my mom and dad, my inlaws and my brother and 2 sisters. I love being an aunt to my niece and nephews!

I'm thankful for my home, our church family, girls bible study, and my job.

MOST IMPORTANT: I am thankful that because Christ gave up his only son for us, one day, I will get to spend eternity with my Heavenly Father!

"HEAVEN IS ROCKIN!!!"

Today, Nov. 4th, our Angel, Malorie is celebrating her birthday in Heaven. If you knew Mal, she always loved to celebrate in a big way. So....today, on Malorie's Birthday, I am sure Heaven is Rockin!

Somedays, I miss Mal so much, it's hard to believe she has been gone for 6 years. I never thought I would survive. God is good. Yes, bad things happen, we still have lots of unanswered questions, the pain is still there, but God is good.

Thank you Heavenly Father for the gift of letting me be Malorie's Mom. Thank you for letting us have her for almost 14 awesome years. I never thought I would be able to smile as I woul

think back to the happy times with Mal. I can do that now so thank you for letting me smile as I remember my angel.

I know Mal is having the time of her life and I would not wish her back here for anything. Father God, what an amazing day it will be when we get to spend every holiday and birthday together as a family!

Heavenly Father, hug Mal for me, give her a birthday kiss and tell her we love her and think of her every day!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART

LOVE YOU,

MOM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAWYER! 17, wow, I can not believe how fast time flies!!! Just last week we were teaching you to ride your bike without training wheels! REALLY!!! Remember, you were just 2 1/2, we couldn't find a bike small enough without trainers except for the little pink one. You loved it because you could keep up with your sisters, no matter that it was HOT PINK!!!

Thank you Dear Heavenly Father for letting me be Sawyer's Mom. I pray Father that you will protect him, continue to bless him, guard his heart, and help him to grow in You everyday.

In Jesus Name,

AMEN

IT IS MY PLEASURE TO TELL YOU......DANIEL 4:2

Oct. 2, 2004, it was this day, 6 years ago, our lives were forever changed. Our family began a journey that I truly never thought I would survive for even 6 months, let alone 6 years! God is still good, even in my darkest days.

Malorie, just 13, our middle child, entered into Heaven. She was with friends and a friends mom was driving.

Let me share what I have learned;

1st- "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God...Isaiah 43:2-3

Thru the darkest days, when I felt I couldn't get up, God was with me every step.

2nd Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

I have no idea why The Lord gave this story to our family. It is not one I would wish on anyone. But.....I choose to TRUST HIM, God can see much further down the road, Heavenly Father, I trust you no matter where you lead, I will follow.

3rd- FORGIVE- Shew, this word, God, has been a challenge to say the least! The car accident that took Malorie from us was just that, an accident. No ones' fault. No one's fault. I have chosen not to hold a grudge, to forgive the driver, she never intended for the accident to happen and would change it in a heartbeat if she could I have no doubt. But....this has been a constant struggle daily for me to forgive. I have learned that forgiving someone is a choice I have to make everyday. "If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-16

4th- AND......I was reading in my Bible a few weeks ago and came upon this verse, IT'S KIND OF BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE VERSE; I don't remember seeing it before, I probably have, but God just now opened my eyes to it! Daniel 4:2 "It is my pleasure to tell you about the miraculous signs and wonders that God has performed for me."

I just love this verse; I still miss Malorie so so much, it still hurts everyday, but, I know with God, I can do "hard", as long as my Heavenly Father is beside me!!!!

So....."It is my pleasure to tell you about the miraculous signs and wonders that MY God has performed for me." More to come......

God Bless You

Welome back!!!! I just love new beginnings! The beginning of a new school year; the kids are excited, new shoes, new clothes, new supplies, new goals; this year, I won't miss as much school, this year, I will try not to get in as much trouble, I will do all of my homework.......etc.

A fresh start; as a middle school counselor, my prayer is that God will not let me overlook a single child. Father, help me to always see the good in each child's eyes, give me the right words to say to a broken spirit, keep each child and teacher safe, and bless each one.

Wow, I didn't realize how long it has been since I last blogged! I still check in with many blogger friends but just hadn't posted for awhile. I am off for the summer. I love it because I have more time to read my Bible and to spend time with our Heavenly Father.

This summer has been quieter than most. This is the first summer our oldest, Ashleigh, did not come home. She got an internship where she goes to college and also has a job so she has been super busy. She has been home a few times, gosh, we miss her lots!

Sawyer will be a jr. in high school and I am trying to not panic that he is growing up so fast! He is constantly on the go, either playing ball or hanging with his girlfriend. (that is also taking me some time to get used to!)

Bryan and I will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary in a few weeks. Wow, we have been thru sooo much. I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else! Thank you God for giving me an awesome husband!

I began running in May. Actually, my kids call it a slow trot! I run about 3 miles a day and feel much better. And...I have lost about 20 lbs. in the last 6 months. I am hoping to get to run in a 5K in Sept., God's Will, that is.

Free Give-Away in memory of Malorie!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN MAL!!!

I have never done a give-away, but here goes!! If you leave a comment after this post, I'll mail you one of the "BUCKLE UP FOR MAL" keychains. Shortly after Mals accident, her older sister Ashleigh started giving talks to schools about the importance of seatbelt safety along with the keychains.


If you would like to visit Malorie's website in her memory, click on:
http://legobeaver.com/malorie/malorie1html

I can't believe it's been 19 years ago you blessed our lives! GOD IS GOOD!!!

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:5

This is the verse I am repeating in my head today as I miss my Angel Malorie. I still sometimes ask why? I don't know why Malorie was killed in a car accident 5 years ago just before her 14th birthday. I do know that is was the best day of her life, because she went home to our Heavenly Father! But oh, what a tragedy, and the worst day of my life!

BUT.... I cling to the factual knowledge that God is good, regadless. Tragedies in this life are beyond our understanding this side of Heaven.

I believe Jesus is good deep in my soul and that's what is so precious to me!

Faith is not something we can see. We have to step out of our comfort zone and trust God, no matter what! "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Hebrews 11:1

So...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for letting us be Mal's Parents for almost 14 years! Father, thank you for being good and your love endures forever! Grant me the faith to know that you are good all of the time, even during the most difficult times in this life. When I am weak, lift me up. Let me rely on your everlasting love for me. In Jesus Name, Amen.
And..Dear Father, give Mal a big hug and kiss for me and tell her we love her!!!!!!

I'll end this blog with a quote I truly believe in from David Jeremiah of My Hearts Desire,

"The pursuit of God has no shortcuts.. You simply must keep walking, keep seeking, and keep yearning. Keep at it, and you won't be disappointed!

Love you All,

Happy Sweet 16 Sawyer. My baby is 16 today!!! It's hard to believe, we have gone thru so much with Sawyer. He was very sick when he was born and almost did not make it, has dyslexia which makes learning so difficult for him, and he has ADHD, which makes it difficult for ALL of us to keep up with him!

When we first learned of Sawyer's learning disability, our questions went from why our son God, what did we do wrong, and now we often ask, where do we go from here God?

My life verse, Jer. 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that Ithink toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

With Sawyer being a Sophmore, I often wonder where God will take him after high school. I know our Heavenly Father has a plan for Sawyer, and if you know Sawyer, it has got to be big, he never does anything halfway. So, another lesson we are learning is patience. In time, God will show us His plan for Sawyer.

Sawyer, as you turn 16 today, at exactly 12:37, my prayer for you is,

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that Sawyer will give everything he attempts his best, that he will place your name on whatever he does, and that he will give you all the glory. Dear Father, I pray that Sawyer will see things as you do and be attracted to what pleases and glorifies you, and that he will stay away from things that displease you. Thank you Father for the gift of Sawyer and for everyday you give us with him.

In Your Heavenly Name I Pray,
AMEN

God is amazing! For those who jumped over to visit from Tammy's blog, thank you, and to those who have kept our family in prayer, God Bless You! I am so thankful for the friends God has sent thru this blog.

Oh my, Satan has tried my patience these past few months, he has tried to steal our daughter, and he has tried to make me think God was not the one in control.

God has taught me so much during this difficult time.

Only the power of God, thru prayer, can make a difference! "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God". 1 Cor. 10:31

May prayer has been that everything the Ashleigh and Sawyer do will be done to the Glory of God!!!

Ash has gone thru a rough time. Actually she got mixed up with some kids she met in college. Kids who did not have the same morals and values our kids grew up with. I think she is on the right track. It is so hard for kids today, Satan is always waiting to steal our kids if he gets the chance.
My prayer for Ashleigh is that God would give her "beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness" Isaiah 61:3

I love each of you and thank God for you. God Bless

Goodness, it's been forever since I've blogged! We just got back from a relaxing week at the Ozarks. Kind of our last "fling" before school starts and I go back to work.

Right now, our family is in a major storm! I know God has a plan, and however much we are hurting, he promises to hold us thru.

Our oldest daughter left home 2 days ago. (since we were out of town, we didn't know right away) It is so scarry not knowing who she is with or where she's at.

I've been thinking lots today about FAITH. We are in this storm, don't know where we're going, but praying our FAITH will see us thru.

I have no idea where this storm is taking our family God. Heavenly Father, I give Ashleigh over to you completely. Oh God, please don't let her get away. Satan, "I rebuke you, stay away from Ashleigh, you will not win this one because the "King" our Heavenly Father is on our side! God, please, keep tugging at her heart until she comes running back to you. Help Bryan and I to be the parents you want us to be. Please, give us a chance to talk with her and help us to know what to say to her. Father God, thank you for Ashleigh, just help her to see you thru us.

I love you and trust you completely with Ashleigh, even tho we do not know which way this storm will turn, I trust you.